Nope, this ain’t another “how I did it/You can do it” post/blog. I actually don’t give a fuck about how people lose weight. Every body is different; my only hope is that people do it safely and naturally. Find what works for you and stick with it.

This post is about motivation. Motivating yourself to eat right, motivating yourself to exercise, motivating yourself to make right decisions regarding your weight loss, and whatever else you need motivation for.

In my humble opinion, in a general sense, motivation for long term success doesn’t exist.

If I waited for motivation to kick in, I wouldn’t do anything. If I waited for motivation to go to the gym, I’d never go. If I waited for motivation to throw itself around me, I wouldn’t have lost any weight. Motivation, in this sense, didn’t exist for me. If I was so motivated, I would have BEEN lost the weight, I would have BEEN made good decisions regarding my health. But I didn’t.

That’s not to say that something didn’t motivate me to start my weight loss journey, because something did. But it only gave me enough strength to join a gym, and get duped into hiring a personal trainer (I had nothing to lose at that point). But, did that thing (which is a photograph) motivate me to go to the gym? No. Did it motivate me to eat better, nope.  So, how did I lose weight?

I had to make a conscious decision without external or internal motivation to go to the gym and hoped that motivation caught its ass up to me once I got there. I hated (and still do most days) going to the gym. Who the hell wants to walk almost a mile to the gym in the rain? Shit, in the sun? Or when its gray outside? Or when it’s snowing? Or when the temperature is just right that all you want to do is relax and twirl in that perfect weather? Not me, shit.

I had to decide to eat better or less when I really really really wanted to do the opposite. I had to say no to cake, double and mega stuffed oreos, Pot Belly’s oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, candy (ALL KINDS), Cold Stone, Cheesecake Factory’s Louisiana Chicken Pasta, whole bags of xtreme blast goldfish crackers, soda, pizza twice a week, trader joe’s sublime ice cream sandwiches, zebra cakes, etc. times in-fucking-finity when I wanted to say yes.

Motivation is fleeting. It feels good for the here and now, it can drive you to do better, but it doesn’t make an appearance each time you need to do what you know is right.

So I say all this to say, don’t wait on motivation. Motivation is not always going to be there, motivation exists when things feel good; and unfortunately, progress doesn’t happen when you do things only when you feel like doing them, cause 9 times out of 10, you won’t/don’t feel like it. Make a conscious decision to go to the gym, make a conscious decision to make better choices. Your health is important, WAY more important than waiting for motivation.

Oh, and for the record, I love my personal trainer, and I still eat some of that shit I mentioned in moderation.

Par for the course.

So, in my previous hysterectomy post, I’d mentioned that it was mostly positive. The “mostly” was due to a suspected bladder issue I thought I was having. Turns out, there is nothing wrong with my bladder or the surrounding areas. Why I was having pain is anyone’s guess at this moment.

The pain started when I came home from surgery; I felt pain after urinating and sometimes during. I’d taken three rounds of antibiotics as it was suspected I had a UTI and a yeast infection. All urine/cultures came back negative for all infections. I had a CT scan and a cystoscopy done to try and figure out why the hell I was having pain. Both tests showed a healthy bladder (and urethra); and showed healthy tissues/organs surrounding my bladder.

So yeah, now what?

Before I had my cystoscopy, the pain was subsiding; but having the cystoscopy set me back to when I first came home from surgery. The pain sucks, but I’m pushing through it as I know it will eventually subside.

The Urologist said it could be a nerve issue; or I might need physical therapy for my pelvic region.

I’m good. As long as I can pee, as long as I don’t have any kidney/flank pain, and as long as I can eat and shit, I’m good. I ain’t taking no more tests and I ain’t fooling with this shit again.

Although, I’d consider physical therapy. Maybe.

Onward and upwards.

Per my last blog entry, this blog is still lost, but here goes an entry for you. Let’s get into it. Having a hysterectomy is scary as fuck. However, I have to say, the lead up to the surgery was the scariest. I came up with “biggest fears” just about every single day for two weeks before the surgery. “My biggest fear is waking up during the surgery,” “My biggest fear is my heart is going to give out during surgery,” “my biggest fear is having a stroke on the table,” and……etc. Needless to say, I didn’t wake up during surgery, nor did my heart give out, and I didn’t have a stroke. I’m not going to get into why I had the hysterectomy; the why doesn’t matter as there are a myriad of reasons a woman decides to give the ole uterus the heave ho. Lets get into what really matters, my overall experience, the prep, the initial recovery, and the continued recovery.

PREP:

Exercise: Work the fuck out and lose some weight if you are overweight. In June of 2017, I decided I didn’t like the way I looked, so I took care of that. I ate right and I exercised and lost 42 pounds. That sounds easy, but it was hard as hell (still is!). I stuck with it and saw results. Unbeknownst to me, this would inevitably help me recover for a surgery I didn’t know I was having. Work on your strength and your core. Work on your diet. Hire a personal trainer if need be. Help: You’ll need someone to help you for at least the first week post op. That person will need to be helpful, not a hindrance. So, although you may have a spouse/partner, they may not be the right person to help you. You may need someone to cook, clean, buy groceries, take you to the dr’s office, install your toilet riser, pick up meds, do laundry, etc. Find good help. Shop: Listen, few things are worse than being underprepared. I’m not in the business of telling folk what they should or shouldn’t buy, or what they will or will not need, so buy ALL the shit you think you will need and then some if you want; however, plenty of water, cranberry juice, snacks, toilet paper, face tissues, paper towels, all of your toiletries, and your other usual shit is always a good idea. Just have plenty of it so you won’t have to worry about going to the store for it. Clean: Clean your house before your surgery, scrub your bathroom, vacuum, throw away old food from your fridge and freezer, dust, put fresh sheets on your bed. You don’t want to come home to chaos, you want to come home to peace, organization, and zen. Your punk ass uterus is wrecking havoc on your body, so you are kicking it out, do the same for your home. Hire a cleaning service if need be. Live: Try. Its difficult because all you want to do is think about the surgery, all you CAN do is think about the surgery. Sometimes, you can’t even think past the surgery date. But live. Continue doing fun activities, hang with your Boos/Bae(s)/Friends/Family. Oh, and if you don’t want to talk about your surgery, let your Boos/Bae(s)/Friends/Family know that. Sometimes, the more and more you talk about something daunting, the more your blood pressure will go up. Oh, and stop reading negative shit online. Most people only post or discuss things that negatively impacted them. Its easy to write about the negative than it is the positive. Why? Cause there’s nothing to vent about; those who have positive outcomes can effectively go on with their lives, they have no complaints; they are not seeking validation or help for problems/issues.

Right before surgery/Initial Recovery:

OK, so I had an abdominal hysterectomy with a horizontal bikini line cut, all other womb accoutrements were left except for a slice of my cervix. My surgery time was 1PM, so per my dr’s instructions, I arrived two hours early. I checked in, got my wrist bracelet, gave a urine sample, got naked, dressed in the hospital’s finest, and got in the bed. Family was there helping to keep me calm (and so was a friend, but I consider him family). The nurse came in to do about a 15 minute Q&A (When was your last period, do you have an STD, etc..) and to put an IV in. The anesthesiologist came in to introduce himself; and my gyno (who would be performing the surgery along with his partner) came in to check on me and introduce himself to my peoples. Once they were ready for me, another nurse came in and gave me the initial calm down juice, then they wheeled me into the operating room. Once I shimmied my ass on that operating table, I can’t tell you what happened. I don’t even remember them fools giving me the anesthesia. I woke up in recovery feeling groggy as hell. Pain level from 1-10, around 4. I didn’t feel internal pain, I only felt the pain of the incision. I was eventually taken to my room (all rooms at my hospital are single rooms); and there, I had to shimmy my ass on the recovery bed. The easiest and most painless way to do this is to hike your knees up slowly, feet planted on the bed, lift up pelvis by using your butt and just move to where your bed is. It took me about 5 small movements to fully move onto my bed. I’ll try to post a link so you can see what this looks like. I didn’t eat anything as I had no appetite, I was able to drink water, ginger-ale, and some Asian inspired broth my peoples brought me. I was dozing in and out, and had a catheter (catheter was put in while I was under), so no worries about a bathroom break. Pain level, still about a 4/5. I was on a morphine drip, but it wasn’t working for me. I still felt the incision pain. I kept thinking, “morphine is supposed to take the pain all the way out! what the fuck?!” I kept hitting that morphine drip whenever I could, but it just wasn’t working. I also felt like shit. I felt queasy, dizzy, and just off. The next day (Saturday), I started dry heaving. The morphine fucked me up so I told them to take me off. They took me off and I did a complete 180. I felt GREAT! No queasiness, no dry heaving, and I was able to get up and walk, and eat. I was on a semi liquid diet (I could have flavored ice, cream of wheat, etc.) Pain level around 3/4. The next day (Sunday), I was upgraded to a solid diet, and was discharged that afternoon. I felt sore, I walked kind of bent over, I held my stomach the entire time, but I was glad to be outta there. The first week: Sore, a little pain at the incision, walking slightly bent. Can feel it when I get up and down, able to get in and out of bed by myself albeit slowly, held my stomach when I walked (even to the bathroom), slept on my back, was able to bathe and clothed myself, took 15 minutes walks a few times a day in my apartment complex hallway and even walked outside a couple of days. Noticed my stomach below the belly button is numb, but light touches above the numbness hurt a little (I figure its just the severed/regenerating nerves (if regenerating nerves is a thing, who knows, but I wasn’t too worried)) The second week: Still a little store, not much pain at the incision, steri-strips are still on, but towards the end of the second week, the strips started to stink despite washing that area. Getting in and out bed still took some effort, but not as much. Started walking upright a couple of miles everyday, figured out I can do a squat when needing to pick up something (was not painful, and I held my stomach out of habit), was able to do laundry with my grabber, can turn to my side slightly when sleeping, second week post op visit (gyno only examined my incision, and answered any questions I may have had), everything look good, I was healing great! The third week: Able to get in and out of bed without much effort, able to sleep on my side with my toddler pillow, took off the steri strips as they were starting to peel away, able to grocery shop for light items, still walking a couple (or a few) miles everyday. Still squatting while holding my stomach, I can still feel a little soreness when my stomach is moved, but not much. Still holding my stomach, but not as much, still doing laundry with grabber, was able to wash my hair standing up in shower. The fourth week: Can climb into bed with my knees, can sleep on my side and move from side to side without much effort (but still used the toddler pillow cause it was comfortable), started using Alhydran cream for my scar, can pick up heavier items while grocery shopping, doing laundry without the grabber, started climbing the steps slowly for cardio, four week post op visit was uneventful; gyno did an internal exam, said that everything looked great! No issues. Fast forward to today, which is about 6.5 weeks post op. I feel great! I’ve been able to resume my workouts; however, I’m lifting/strength training light. Pre-op, for cardio, I was running up and down my apartment complex’s steps; now, I’m walking up and down the steps. I’ll eventually graduate to running again. Everything is back to normal for the most part; the only issue I’m having is with urinating. I can urinate fine, its just painful. All urine samples and cultures have come back clean, and as of today, my CT scan also came back with my bladder and the surrounding area looking nice and healthy. So, next up, cystoscopy. And if nothing comes outta that, possible physical therapy. OK, so what was in my hospital bag? Please note, the highlighted is what I actually used/consumed √ while in the hospital or going home. 

1. two long short sleeve dresses √– I wanted to be able to put something on in one fell swoop. Ain’t nobody got time to be bending over and trying to pull on pants. I thought I was going to wear the dresses in the hospital, but I just ended up wearing (and changing into fresh) hospital gowns. It’s easier to pee in a hospital gown cause your ass is already out. I wore one of the dresses home and continued to wear them my first week as they were so convenient. Here are the dresses I purchased: (Plus, they are cheap and cute) https://www.amazon.com/Verdusa-Womens-Casual-Split-Beach/dp/B071H2KWH3/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&qid=1543890509&sr=8-6&keywords=Verdusa+long+casual+dress
2. Mesh underwear – I read from multiple sources that these were needed and great to have, I bought 2 packages of these. Didn’t use not nan one however. I went commando the entire time. These come 5 to a pack: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07218V4D4/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1
3. Post op panties (didn’t wear them however, and still haven’t): https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01LB9EXRY/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&th=1
4. A going home outfit of a long sleeve tee and capri joggers
5. Hard candy √, phone charger √, lip balm √, sample sizes of all toiletries √, sleep eye mask, notepad, pen, socks, baby wipes, bras, slip on shoes √, a few sanitary napkins, ear buds, hair bonnet √.
6. Peppermint tea: I heard this was good for the inevitable gas issues, so I bought it: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000AEWGBM/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1
7. Mariani Probiotic Prunes, heard these were good for after surgery, to help me shit of course: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07GLD2MZ9/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1
8. Small crib pillow √, this is to protect your belly from the seatbelt, and anything else you may bump into. For me, it was more a comfort to just hold it on my stomach. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B007QFMS8O/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1

  Here is everything that I thought I needed in general (for home and hospital), some stuff I bought, and some of what I bought I actually used √ . The information in parenthesis is the reason I thought about buying it or the reason I bought it. Casual dresses (for comfort) √ Husband and body pillows (for belly comfort) Green Tea/Peppermint Tea (for swelly belly/for gas) Grabber (reacher) (to prevent bending down and reaching up) √ Cane (to help walk) Firm mattress topper (for comfort) Scale (to track possible weight gain) Coloring book and crayons (for boredom) Mesh underwear (mesh to allow scar to air out) Sweat pants and tees (for comfort) New underwear (just because) Additional rolling laundry basket (already had one), (for convenience) Cranberry juice/Water/√ Gingerale (for possible UTI/Duh/upset stomach) Bed pillows/small crib pillow (for comfort/for comfort) √ Gas x (for gas) Ice packs (for swelling) Rolling cart (for convenience, so I won’t have to keep getting up for things) Post op compression panty with silicone scar care (to hold my belly in and to help with scar healing) Post op compression panty (without silicone) (to hold my belly in) Smooth move tea (to shit post op) Miralax (to shit post op) √ Mariani probiotic prunes (to shit post op) √ Women’s waist trimmer (compression belt) (to hold belly in) Bath bench (figured I wouldn’t be able stand for long periods after surgery) Toilet riser (so I’m not bending too much getting up and down off toilet) √ Small trash can/trash bags (to clip on to the rolling cart so I won’t have to keep getting up) Hard Candy (for comfort and to get a little a sugar when needed) √ Peppermint pills (for gas) Over the bed table (so I didn’t have to get out of bed for meals, etc.) Bed frame (my mattress and box spring was on the floor), (to give my bed height to prevent excessive bending to get in and out of bed) √ All in all, I had a fantastic experience. The “MOSTLY” in the title refers to a residual bladder issue I am having; however, in spite of, all is well. See below for some FAQs:

• When did you have a bowel movement?
  • I had surgery on a Friday afternoon, came home Sunday, that Monday I had my first bowel movement.
• Did the first bowel movement hurt?
  • Not really, I felt a little pain as gas was escaping while shitting, but nothing debilitating.
• What did you take to have a bowel movement?
  • Monday morning, I drank bone broth, ate half a bag of mariani probiotic prunes and took a serving of miralax. About an hour later, boom.
• Did you have to take stuff daily for a bowel movement?
  • No, after that Monday morning, I didn’t need to take any additional stuff to shit; however, now, (6 weeks post op) because my diet has been shit, I need to. But I only eat the probiotic prunes, I don’t take the miralax or bone broth.
• Did you have bad gas pains?
  • No, I haven’t had any problems with gas. When I need to fart, I can, and regardless of where I am, I do. Word. Is. Bond.
• What pain meds did you take and for how long?
  • Once I got off morphine the day after surgery, I took 1000 mgs of Tylenol. Sunday, I took two doses of 1000 mgs of Tylenol. Monday morning I took another 1000 mgs, and since then, I have not taken any pain meds whatsoever.
• What about swelly belly, do/did you have that?
  • Not sure, my stomach hasn’t swelled up significantly, I’ve been drinking a ton of water (a gallon or more per day), so I am not sure if its water, or if I’m swollen; but generally, my stomach has not swelled up much.
• When did you start walking?
  • I started walking the day after the surgery – Saturday evening. But real walking, I started on Sunday when I came home, I did 3/4 15 minute walks in my apartment hallway.
• Was walking painful?
  • No, the movement of the incision was a little painful, so I held my stomach as I walked.
• Where you able to bathe by yourself?
  • Yes, the day I came home I took a very long shower, I was able to hold on to the towel rack if need be. I was not able to bend at the stomach to wash my legs, so I lifted my legs slightly to wash what I could.
• When did your appetite come back?
  • Saturday morning (day after surgery) I had broth, cream of wheat, cherry ice, etc. However, when I got off morphine, I was ready for some real food. I was cleared for a solid diet Sunday morning. I had pancakes, bacon, and eggs. I was so hungry and ate so fast that I was only able to eat less than half..lol.
• What exactly did you need help with when you came home?
  • Carrying/buying heavy things, opening doors (if we went out), laundry, taking out trash
• What about cooking?
  • I bought a TON of snacks and frozen meals (healthy and unhealthy) before surgery, and for real food, I ordered in or walked to get something (a slow walk).
• What about getting in and out of bed? Did you need help with that?
  • Nope, since my bed is now fairly high, the mattress met my butt, so I sat on the bed, anchored myself by using my hands, and moved one leg at a time. When I needed to shift, I lifted my pelvis up by using my butt.
• What about washing your hair?
  • I’m black and have natural hair. I washed my hair the day before surgery and put some twists in it. It lasted for two weeks. Afterwards, if I needed to wash, I either get in the shower to do it, or stand and lean over the tub and let the shower water do its thing.
• Is your bikini line horizontal scar visible?
  • No, I have a stomach, so the scar is under my stomach flap
• Have you had any surgeries prior to your hysterectomy?
  • Nope, this is my first surgery
• Do you have children?
  • Nope, I am childfree
• How did you sleep?
  • I slept in my bed sitting up at about 60 degrees. I’m a back and side sleeper, so, I was pretty much comfortable for the most part. I started turning SLIGHTLY to the side my second week post op. I was able to fully turn to the side without any issues the beginning of my third week post op. When I started to slightly turn, I used my toddler pillow to stuff under my side/stomach just so my stomach isn’t hanging. It was really comfortable, so much so, I still stuff the pillow under my stomach/side when I side sleep now.
• Did you gain weight?
  • Yes, between post op and now (6.5 weeks post op) I gained about 3 pounds. However, please note, I had the following in my possession: 5 pounds of chocolate covered peanuts (literally 5 pounds. I ordered a 5 pound bag online), cupcakes, two bags of fun size peanut M&Ms, massive amount of cheese and candied popcorn, Costco chocolate cake (the whole cake), Red velvet petit fours, peanut butter goo goos, peanut butter brownies, 40 ounce bag of Hershey kisses, and a delicious baked gift box from Harry and David. A week post op was my birthday, so I celebrated. PLUS, pre-op, I was focused on eating moderately right, so all the shit I couldn’t eat, I ordered/bought and….ate. Oh, and I had tootsie rolls too. Fuck, and pumpkin pound cake too. Jeesuz, and a small cookies and cream cake. I forgot about that pound cake and that cookies and cream cake. Shame.
• Did you have to do a bowel prep?
  • No, the only physical prep required was for me to not eat or drink after 12 midnight the day before surgery, and to wash my entire body (not the genitals) the night before and the morning of with hibiclens (can purchase at your local pharmacy).
• Did you spot?
  • I started spotting, or what looked like very light blood in discharge my second day in the hospital after the catheter came out. From that point until today, I spotted very minimally for about 4 weeks. The spotting left just as soon as it came. For instance, if I urinate, wipe, and see a spot, the next time I had a bathroom break, I didn’t see anything. I would say I spotted about 5/6 times the first four weeks. A couple of those spots were due to a little squeeze when trying to shit. I have not had continuous spotting, or a need to wear a pad or pantyliner.
• Do you regret the surgery?
  • Fuck no, and would do it ten times over..

In closing, think positive, find positive examples of good recovery, stop reading negative shit online, prepare your home by making it as comfortable as you’d like. If 4 stuffed giraffes will make you comfortable, buy it. If buying a ten foot amethyst crystal will make you comfortable, get on a payment plan and buy it (them shits are expensive!). Don’t cloud your head with “what ifs,” surround yourself with people who will speak positively. Remember, this is your surgery and your time to recover, it is literally all about you, and the people around you should know and respect that. Last but not least: Bish, you about to live your best fucking life without a period. Don’t act a fool when you are all healed up either! Then again, life is too short; act a fool, wear white,  wear cropped shirts without having to worry about covering your ass, go commando as much as possible, and enjoy your new found freedom! Ayeeeeeeeeeeeee!

That’s what this shit should be called. Lost blog. I haven’t written on this thing since 2013.  I’m not exactly sure what to write however. I keep hearing from people that I need to write a book, or that I need to write for someone or something, but I have no idea who, what, why, when, where, or all that other shit. So many people love to write. There are so many blogs out there that the market is saturated. I like to write, but how to get my thoughts out there to multiple readers, I have no idea. I guess I’ll write until something happens.

Two dudes on the bus talking about how much drama women are and how they aren’t trying to get in relationships and one of them says “man, I might have to hit a bitch, I’m serious. They be all up in your business, they loud, I just might have to hit her” Oh, and in ear hustling on thier conversation, he works where I work.

There is somebody flossing their teef on this bus; however, he is purposefully pulling out the floss with force so whatever is between his teeth can fling out. I am REALLY hoping that none of it gets on me.  Now, he slurping his teef. I feel like vomitting.

I am sitting next to a kid in diapers, albeit old enough to kick the seat I am sitting in. The mother decides he should lay down. Of course he lays down, spreads eagle, and the smell of ripe shit hits my nose.

is a huge issue of mine on the bus. I’d rather sit with one cheek hanging off the seat than to squish myself under somone’s armpit..as someone is doing to me now.

I don’t know what it is about cabs, but them joints will not turn on their AC for shit! You’d rather have your fare sweltering than to give you a tip I see..

On this train gossiping like little girls, talking about people on this train. Two construction working, big ass, hard hat wearing, rough about the face looking grown men whispering into each other ears. GTFOOH.